Twenty three years ago, I was pregnant and living in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. My first husband and I were struggling financially. For my birthday, May 1st, I asked for money to get a 3D ultrasound of our baby, as we had only had one months ago in January. The day after my birthday, we went to the ultrasonigraphico, paid a king's ransom (for us) of $60, and I learned that I was expecting twins. It was the first time I learned about my daughter, saw her, and listened to her heartbeat. There's no thinking about my birthday without thinking about how she was the best birthday surprise I ever received, and how much being her parent has taught me about love and authenticity. I can't celebrate without acknowledging that she changed my life in a million different ways and made me a better person than I would have been otherwise. Even then, she didn't give me time to prepare for her. Two months later she arrived and announced herself unexpectedly and with fanfare. She exited the world with the same kind of secrecy and drama. I still think of her not just daily, but almost every hour. And missing her is like screaming into space. The heartache continually unravels and stretches with no end. Last year I missed her birthday phone call on accident and she left me a voicemail that has been a source of simultaneous comfort and sorrow. Every time I hear her voice, I want to hug her so fiercely and feel like she is still here. She was a blessing I should have appreciated more, especially during the excruciatingly hard times. I miss her even more now, when I feel like the pain should be abating while it just sits like a weight on my heart. Kudra-you truly were the best present, ever. I love you. I miss you so much. Thank you.
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