All the Ways to Be Sorry as a Woman

I’m sorry that I’m smart. Smarter than you.
Not as smart. Or as smart as you think.
I’m sorry that I’m pretty. Ugly. Average. Exceptional.
I’m sorry that I’m too thin.
Too fat.
Too flat.
Too curvy.
Almost perfect.
Not perfect enough.
I’m sorry I have more money than you. Or not enough.
That I grew up wealthy. Impoverished. In the middle.
I’m sorry I love dogs. Cats. Ferrets. Animals that bite. Those that swim.
I’m sorry you wanted my hair beneath my shoulders. Medium. Pixie. Red. Blond. Black.
I’m sorry I got the job.
The one you thought you deserved just because…
I’m sorry you harassed me. That you thought it would be funny to say “ ____.”
Or to touch me here, or there.
I’m sorry I called you back.
That I didn’t call. Ignored your text. Waited for you to text in vain.
I’m sorry I hated your silence.
I’m sorry you won’t ask me out. Or that you did.
I’m sorry I had to say no. That I said yes.
That we dated. Didn’t date. Wanted to date but couldn’t.
Got married. Separated. Divorced. That one of us died.
I’m sorry I wore red. Black. Orange. Pants. Shirts. Socks. That I was naked.
I’m sorry you raped me. That I blamed myself. That you blamed me.
I’m sorry my body belongs to me.
I’m sorry you feel ownership over my body.
That you love my breasts, tongue, thighs, cunt, ass.
That I hate you loving my breasts, tongue, thighs, cunt, ass.
I’m sorry you stopped talking to me.
And made me feel disposable.
I’m sorry that I left. Stayed.
That you were miserable. And you cried.
That I became despondent. Or haven’t stopped weeping.
I’m sorry that you never stopped yelling. Or beating me.
That I didn’t defend myself and tell you to stop.
Or that I did and you hurt me worse.
I’m sorry I can do something better than you.
Run faster.
Lift more.
Work harder.
That I am strong. Weak. Ambivalent.
I’m sorry you don’t love your wife. Or she loves me.
That I love men. Women. The humans in between.
That you had sex with me. I had sex with you.
Or we fucked different people.
And it was fabulous. Awful. Indifferent. Dynamic. Passive. Hurtful.
That I was faithful. Or I cheated.
I’m sorry I desired you in the first place.
That I pushed you away and stopped wanting you. Or you, me.
I’m sorry you didn’t make me cum. Or I didn’t make you cum.
I’m sorry you didn’t make me cum enough.
I’m sorry I don’t please you as much as you want.
Or that I want you all the time.
I’m sorry I can have babies. Can't have babies. Wanted a baby. Got pregnant. Or didn’t.
Kept a baby. Miscarried a baby. Aborted a baby. Adopted a baby.
Loved a baby. Hated a baby. Loved you. Hated you.
I’m sorry I held your hand. Wiped your tears. Kissed your mouth.
Touched your face. Held you close.
I’m sorry I always feel like too much. Never enough.
Or nothing at all.