My Dearest Loves,
This morning, you would have been delivered to my arms. You would be dragging in your belongings: backpacks, water bottles, maybe a doll. You would have slipped off your shoes in the living room, and left them where I might trip. I probably would have reminded you for the 100th time to place them in your room or the hall.
You would have been hungry, because you are growing so fast. Even the days we spend apart, you come back a little bit taller, your hair a touch longer, a little bit smarter. We might have gone shopping, as we usually do on Sundays, and you would have complained the entire time, and bombarded me with requests for things you know I would say no to. Sometimes I think you coordinate exactly how to ask for things, just so you can wear me down to say yes. I would give anything in the world to hear your voices right now, even if only begging.
We would have come home, and you would have helped me put things away, because you love to help. I would have fixed you something to eat, and you might have taken over the living room with Legos, or put The Office on television, or played Wii. Maybe you go upstairs and pretend you are soldiers, or investigators, or knights. Your voices echo through the hallways, your footsteps gently thump, and it is when it becomes quiet that I always wonder what you have gotten into. The silence that envelopes me today feels unbearable.
Maybe we would go to the park, or watch a movie, or you would help with dinner. The day would quickly begin to wane, and you would pack your lunches for the next morning. You would stumble upstairs to brush your teeth, and pick out your clothes. Then you would call for me to come up and say goodnight. I would give you each a kiss and hug, and make sure you felt comfortable. I would shut off your lights to allow you to drift off to dreamtime.
Without you here, the day languishes, and I feel every minute of our separation. My heart carries a hole that aches relentlessly. Just when I think I have cried every tear my body can muster, more flow, and my eyes burn. I feel so empty. I find things for myself to do, just so I can stay in motion, because to sit still means I am flooded with grief.
I remember the last time I saw you. How your hairs glistened in the sunlight on the morning I dropped you off. How sleepy your eyes looked first thing when you woke in the morning. Your scent when I leaned in to hug and kiss you goodbye. If I had known you would be torn from my life, I would have never let go.
I have never missed anything in my life the way I miss the two of you right now. The loneliness is insufferable. I keep finding traces of you everywhere I look: a sock, shoes, a princess bow. I cannot breathe without inhaling your spirit, because you permeate my world.
When I see you again, I am going to wrap my arms around your small bodies and hold you until my arms shake. I’m going to hear the tinkle of your voices in my ears, and my heart will begin to sew itself back together. I’ll kiss your cheeks over and over and over.
Until then, know how much I think of you. You are an integral part of the fabric of my universe, and I miss you beyond space and time. There are no words for how much I love you.
Reflections of a woman spawned in a cement cocoon...