On What Would Have Been A Decade of Marriage

Some days just carry a certain energy, a heaviness, as though you are moving through water, simultaneously drowning and breathing. For me, that day is today, February 27th, which, had we survived, would have been my 10th wedding anniversary this year.
 
I don’t have regret that our marriage ended. My heart is happy to be free of the burden I carried in that relationship, stuffing my feelings and discomfort down to keep the peace, and out of shame that I knew we were crumbling, because the veil of failure was going to be so heavy to wear.
 
But it doesn’t mean that I can ignore history, that once there was living, breathing exchange of love between myself and someone who now treats me like a maligned stranger. The memories haunt me: photos from yesterdays pop up on social media, and I come across greeting cards spewing sentiments that might have been intended but were never realized. Everywhere I turn there are specters of the who ‘we’ used to be, and I barely recognize myself, the light in my eyes dull, my body tired and out of shape, my smile ragged and forced.
 
We were together for 11 years, which is isn’t insignificant, and produced two children. Some of the best years of my youth were spent pacifying him, choking down my own suffering because I was afraid of the possibility of being left alone, and feeling like so much of myself had been beaten out of me that there was nothing desirable left.
 
So, on this day, which gradually became more a notch on the wall of a jail cell, simply counting down the hours, than a celebration, I want to share the combination of what I have learned and wish I had known during the duration we were together. I don't know that it would have saved the past, but I hope it saves my tomorrows. Whether it’s wisdom from the experience of living and surviving such extraordinary failure, or entering my forties with the gift of no longer giving a fuck, here is my list:
 

1. Love is an active CHOICE. You have to choose to give love to give it life. It is not meant to be inert, or it will die.
   
2. Relationships require sacrifice, sometimes in ways that are deep and challenging. It’s the price paid for receiving the love of another, which is the purest, most beautiful gift alive when given. It is not always comfortable, but necessary. Relationships are a call to be our best selves, and sometimes we need to weed our lives to be that person.
   
3. Trust not only has to be earned, but it requires consistent character and action, not words and sentiments. Live with integrity.
4. Love isn’t about flowers and chocolate, or big promises. It’s the day to day, tiny ways you celebrate one another: hugs, hellos, goodbyes, and intimate moments.
5. Communication will either make or break you. Avoidance only pushes the dirt between you deeper until it festers and taints the relationship. Talk about it, and then talk more.
6. Be direct and clear in your communication. Bluntness cuts through the bullshit, and akin to ripping off a band-aid, pain and anxiety is reduced. So much hesitation and fear is created from holding back. Just be direct.
7. Ask for what you think you are worth. If you believe there is something you need from your partner to feel good about your relationship, let them know. If you don’t ask, you won’t receive.
8. It is the job of both parties to create security in the relationship. Live how you want your partner to treat you, and hold yourself to standards. If your partner feels insecure, it is the responsibility of both of you to discover what needs to change for improvement. Don’t ask your partner to hold themselves to a set of standards that you will not live by yourself. Don't ignore how your partner feels, or blow it off.
   
9. Never ignore your intuition. That shit is there for a reason. Believe it when it tells you something, and then see #6. Listen to your partner when they express how something makes them feel, because the body can sometimes feel what the heart and mind chooses not to see.
10. If you can’t give someone your whole heart and be ‘all in’, then let them go, so that they can have the opportunity to find the love they deserve.
11. Take every day to say  “I love you”, and mean it. Accept nothing less. You are sooooo worth it…I promise.